I rush and spoil things. I move quickly for efficiency's sake and miss things. I am so enthusiastic about the big big picture, getting the ball rolling, that I overlook the small details.
Some of this is because I try to cram too much into my life. I'm a planner, I like to know what I'm doing every second of every day. And I like those days to be full. Full of people, plans, and events. Full of lunches and dinners and conversations. Then, on a dime, I go from enjoying the hustle and bustle to stressed out, strung out, and not enjoying much of anything. To avoid the stress I expect I make lists, lots and lots of
This stems from my desire to be everything for everyone. A best friend, confidante, and reliable partner. It's suffocating - the pressure I put on myself. The pressure mounts and I crack. There are tears and doubts of self-worth. Then I rely on others to pick up my pieces, make me feel worthwhile, and encourage me back to my feet. It's a destructive cycle.
You know what, though? Through the struggle and the aching of falling down so many times only to stand up once again, I've realized something. A great something. You can't structure your life. It's not your job. You can't put people into neat little boxes in your life and expect it all to work out just like you've imagined, in your little Barbie dreamworld. How do I know? Because I try. I always try.
And I fail.
Someone (or something) comes crashing in, wrecking my plans and changing my life. They literally rock my world. And suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, a new story line begins. Something fresh and raw and beautiful emerges from the rubble that was once my master plan. And it is always, always more wonderful than I could have ever planned for myself.
It's not healthy to live in such a fast-paced, stress-inducing environment. I'm learning the happiness that comes from staying in pajamas and watching television, of talking on the phone for hours because it's good for your soul, and for sitting alone with God.
I'm relinquishing my chains, handing over the doubts and worries that I let keep me down. What's meant to be will be, and what's not... won't. Instead of trying to control every element of my life, I choose to loosen the reigns.
Especially during the holiday season, now more than ever, it's time to let go of the plans and the stress and the unnecessary struggle. I choose to enjoy the twinkling lights, the warmth of my mittens and the love I receive from those who surround me. It's time to take in the little things. I'm not supposed to be running the show anyway.
