Full disclosure: this post is chock-full of raw soul-bearing. If you aren't ready for some authentic personal truth, now would be the time to stop reading.
Intimacy is my highest value. Knowing people, really knowing them well and deeply, sharing dreams, secrets, and stories are what make my world go round. The afternoons spent sitting in coffee shops, 4 hour Monday night phone conversations, and lounging on couches drinking wine and chatting into the night are what my dreams are made of. I crave time with people and their stories and their hearts and their dreams. I fill my life with hours of others, swapping pieces of them for pieces of me.
This craving for others, as much as it is the foundation on which I build my life, also creates the cracks. It exacerbates any insecurity or frustration, enabling me to cast self-doubt into moments that should bring me happiness. My intense desire to give and receive affection can at times be nearly crippling. I long to be in constant communication with other humans. Text messages, phone calls, emails, Facebook posts... the works. When I get a surprise call from a friend, I can feel the corners of my mouth turn upward to a smile. I will ride the emotional high as long as possible when I get an unexpected text or receive a forwarded email with the first line, "I saw this and thought of you." But my highs are high and my lows are low. I am a slave to the emotion. When my phone is quiet for hours, the inbox remains empty, and my text message sits unreplied for days...I feel a heaviness. A weight and burden I wish I could put into words. I struggle to explain the somatic response to the intense emotional reaction, except to say I have a physically heavy heart. My chest feels a pressure that isn't lifted until another high comes rolling in, on the back of another meaningful human interaction. It's a vicious cycle, riding the affection roller coaster.
Extreme extroverted-ness in combination with an affection-sucking and affection-pouring personality makes me intense and a little bit frightening. I lead with authenticity and an open, trusting heart. It pushes people away. I get that. I'm overwhelming, and loud, and pushy. I'm impatient and let my gut reactions guide my behavior. My reliance on others for validation and as a means of self-worth is not okay - I know that. So instead of changing myself, which I don't believe can or should be done, I choose to change perspective. Stop seeking validation, seek instead support. I am surrounded by outstanding individuals. Others who voluntarily choose to love, care, and listen to me simply because they want to. How dare I, or you, or anyone else, spend another moment doubting that we are enough? That we should evaluate our significance by a standard of words and actions of others? It is called self-worth for a reason; it can only be determined from within.
This is where I begin. Moving one step forward, I choose to stop the chase for a sense of wholeness found in the affections received from others. The only love and care worth having is that freely given by another - no strings or obligations attached. I will not chase people. The time has come to release the feelings of inferiority, insecurity, and self-doubt. I have no gap that needs filled, for there are people knocking on my door willing to be a part of my story. Shutting down the tiny voice inside my head, I remind myself that I am worthy. Of love. Of belonging. Of understanding. I am enough.
What's next? I will continue to fill my life with the pieces of others. I will shower people with love and homemade meals. I will enjoy every moment of meaningful, personal-philosophy-discussing coffee dates. I will laugh into the phone until the wee hours of morning, and I will share my couch and full glasses of white wine with anyone who wants a friend. It's who I am. Lover of affection and connection. So come share your doubts and dreams, I've got ears that crave your stories.
