Once upon a time, this blog was a place where I wrote emphatically about discoveries I've made and I've used it as a space to share those revelations. I often wait until I feel compelled, that I've mastered a thought, before putting words to the screen and sharing them with others. I haven't written in many months - nearly half a year - and that has more to do with the fact that I haven't felt emphatically certain about much in that same amount of time than anything else.
Recently, I ventured out of my safe space - my happy little bubble of Columbus - and set my belongings down in Chicago. The view from my window is different, as well as my view of the world from my place within it. When you uproot yourself and take the leap, the certainty of things you once thought you knew gets thrown out with the bath water, and I am slowly starting to agree that the ground moving beneath my feet may be a welcome change. However, like all substantial changes in life, there also comes a steep learning curve. I'm learning to accept that my life, and consequently this blog, will have to be a little less of my concrete thoughts (which is a pretty slim list these days) and a whole lot more about the misadventures of a life in progress.
My most significant realization of late is that the statement "You'll understand when you're older" is both true and false. There really are things you understand when you're older. While I lay no claim to the statement that I've "arrived" or actually reached this foggy conception of "older", I do think that my journey to the sweet, ripe age of 25 does grant me a platform to express that I've in some ways reached a place of "older" just enough.
But I grapple with humanhood on a daily basis - with myself and my life and what it means to be alive and to wrestle with all the things I have and have not done. On the road to today I've seen more than once that the plans we make for ourselves never seem to unfold the way we expect. I've also found that most often, it's better that way.
While I am still uncertain about the truths of humanness - the pain we inflict on one another, the words left unsaid, the joys of connection and love - and my life and what it's all supposed to mean, I do understand a few more things than I once did - like that some things just take time to reveal themselves as you grow and see a bit more of the world outside the little corner you occupy.
I understand that you don't get to keep everyone forever and that is perfectly ok.
I understand that as you get older, so do your parents.
I understand that sometimes you won't get an answer and sometimes you don't deserve one.
I understand that the less you give a damn about what other people think, the happier you will be.
I understand that once something is said, it cannot be forgotten.
I understand that even when parting is expected, goodbyes are still hard.
I understand that interest is not your friend and budgets are necessary.
I understand that you can love people who are absolutely wrong for you and that you can love people who will not love you back.
I understand that when you love someone - anyone, in any way - and they love you back, it's really the very best of all things.
I understand that the world can be an awful, scary, dangerous place.
I understand that the world can be an awe-inspiring, joyful, beautiful place.
I understand that no matter how much time you think you need or have, the sun will set and the sun will rise and it has absolutely nothing to do with you.
I live by a grand, magnificent lake now. Sometimes I walk there after work just to sit and stare - at the vastness and the strength of the tide and how so much is held just beneath the surface. It's an entire world I cannot see from where I sit - and that's how it feels to look all the things I don't understand right in the face. Part of this process of fumbling through adulthood is knowing that I never will. While I feel surrounded by the mounting uncertainty, I hold on to the bits I have come to know as truth and attempt to push the anxiety of much of the unknown and nonsense into the universe.
There is no grand conclusion to be had, no poignant stopping point. I guess, more than anything, I hope that if you feel like the path is uncertain and it all seems too much to take in right now, and that the not-knowing has got in you a place where you feel both happy and sad ... you are not alone. Despite the stumbling through and scars from well-intended but ill-fated missteps and mistakes, the journey is just beginning and you don't have to know it all to move forward with the intention to leave this place better than you found it. So if you're not quite sure where to start, please know that kindness and bravery will get you nearly every place you need to go.
