My soul is tired.

Let's be real. 

1. I am a person who values being liked and pleasing others.

2. I am a person who values being strong, confident, and independent.

Lately, these two values have been at odds and I've been watching the pendulum swing between the desire to make everyone around me happy while feeling the need to assert myself as a confident individual who makes myself happy. And the result has been an unhappy, grumpy, sad, lonely, and anxious me. 

The perpetual discord has been rocking my boat everyday. Sometimes, I sit on the couch or at my desk and an overwhelming sadness sweeps over. I've been impatient and bristled by the smallest actions from the people I love most. I have been disappointed - in myself, in others, in the way that things sometimes just play out.

It took a while for me to find the courage to step back, to clear the cobwebs, and find what was lurking behind all the emotional overgrowth. And what I found isn't something unique to me - it's that deep-seeded nasty thing most of us keep hidden away. The thing that brings out the worst in people.

Beneath the emotional tumult was fear. Fear that I'm not doing enough, that I'm not good enough, that I'm not trying hard enough to be the best and most I can be for everyone. And while I think it's absolutely healthy to want to show up for people who show up for you, the toxicity starts to seep in when you start to feel accountable for everyone's happiness and a need to live up to anyone else's expectations of you and your life.

When did I let my happiness become someone else's territory? When did I start to bend over backward and contort my life to meet other people's needs and wants instead of doing the things that bring me peace and joy?

There's no timeline, no sudden switch. But somewhere along the way I gave up my voice. I lost the sense of empowerment to live my life the way I want to, surrounded by those that I love and who love me back - not by people who make me feel small and take and take and take and provide no grace in return. I've been waiting for apologies I'll never receive and love from people who are unwilling to give it.

But the problem isn't them. The problem is ME. 

I have been giving their judgement power of my emotions. I've been letting other people dictate how I feel about myself. I've been expecting that by sacrificing for others, they will want to sacrifice for me. The problem is exhaustingly trying to please others and then feeling that I've let them down, that I have failed, because they don't love me back the way I would hope. 

I have enabled other people to manipulate and emotionally bully me into feeling guilty - for not putting them first at all times, for not visiting them often enough for their liking, for having goals and dreams they don't see value in. And you see, that's the problem with putting others first - you've taught them that you come second.

Let me tell you - a sure fire way to disappoint everyone is by trying to please them all.

MY SOUL IS TIRED.

But this exhaustion is self-imposed. It's a product of the incessant striving to make everyone else happy and comfortable while losing myself and what actually gives me joy in the process.

I refuse to allow my happiness and self-worth to be dictated by anyone else's judgement for a moment longer. And it starts with saying "no" to some people who are used to hearing "yes". I am not waiting around for apologies or for someone to hold my hand and make me feel better - that responsibility comes from within. I'm not giving away the power over me any longer.

So I'm taking it back.

I'm taking back my confidence, my independence, my unwillingness to compromise and sacrifice for people who don't matter or care. I also accept that this means occasionally pissing people off - and you know what? That's ok. Because my internal gymnast is retiring. I'm not bending over backward to please others at the expense of my emotional well-being.

So what's next? I plan to live my best life on my terms - no guilt, no sadness, no shame. I'm pretty excited.