The Truth About Forever

There's this myth about someone: THE ONE.

I don't believe in it. I don't think it's a thing: there is no ONE.

There, I said it! I'm going to get haters and hopeless romantics beating down my door, I know. But I'm one of those romantics, so before you try to beat me to a pulp, let me explain.

My father, in a rare moment of relationship-centered conversation and wisdom, imparted a nugget of wisdom I can't seem to shake, something that actually turned my world upside down. The groundbreaking comment?: "Don't believe the hype. There is no ONE person meant for you and only for you." 

Without a doubt, there are and will be people you complement, people who understand you, people who will connect with you. And you are fully capable of loving many people throughout your lifetime. Heck, I think you can love multiple people at the same time. (Now, how you handle that is a totally different story, but I digress...) But you get to pick your One.

And it takes a lot more than love.

It sweeps you up and makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside. Your eyes light up when you see their name flash across your phone screen, when they call you late at night. You know you're in love when your conversations last for hours and you could talk for hours more. You know it when you're ready to pack your bag and fly across country to spend a weekend, a day, an evening together. It can knock your world sideways like a wrecking ball. And in those moments, where you're enthralled and enamored and non-sensical...it's absolutely the most amazing and frightening feeling.

But that doesn't last forever, and for good reason. The act of falling in love is temporary madness. Emphasis on the temporary.

Being in love isn't enough. You can have two people absolutely, madly, divinely, in love and watch it all crumble. Why? Because relationships take commitment. They require sacrifice and compromise. And finding THE ONE, the person who is willing to spend forever (or at least willing to commit the next 50-70 years with you), looks a lot more like weighing pros and cons.

There is something we must all come to understand about love, relationships, and the novelty of happily ever after. One does not naturally lead to the next. Let's establish some ground rules. I do not believe love is a choice. I think you can fight it, kicking and screaming, because it's big and it's scary and it's inconveniently timed. Love is a feeling, an intense and uncontrollable emotion that does not respond to willpower. Relationships, commitment, and the stuff that really matters, the stuff that's worth clinging to life for... That's what's left when the love, the all consuming lustful surges, dissipates. It's what defines The One from The Others. It's not about about the love. It never has been. It's the choice to stick around and stick it out. And both of you have to want it more than not.

So who is The One? How am I supposed to find them?

That question is the inherent problem. It's why so many men and women run around unhappy that they've never stumbled into something made of fairy tale lore. Let me tell you a little secret. They are not lost. They need not be found. Forever is a choice. A conscious, thoughtful effort.

So here's the truth about forever.

The One is the person whose flaws you decide you can put up with for the rest of your life. There is (or should be) a lot of thought that goes into this decision. You will share tens of thousands of meals with this person over your life lifetime. They have to be the one you want to parent your children, to spend your vacations with, be your personal therapist (and you theirs), and the person whose day you will hear about 18,250 times (that's 50 years, if you didn't know -not counting the leaps). The person who, despite their best efforts gets on your nerves and hurts your feelings. They have annoying habits and a wacked out family, but you don't want to spend a day without them in your life because this is the same person whom you've decided is worth it.

Because not having them in your life is unimaginable. Because they challenge you to be a better version of yourself. Because they hold your hair, your hand, and your heart. Because for you they will always get up and show up. Because they know how to make you laugh and they cook your favorite foods at midnight because you're sad. Because they get you, and they remind you of the value of your soul when you doubt it yourself.

It's not always pretty, and it's definitely not going to be perfect. Society and the media have lied to you and give you terrible dating and marriage advice - reconcile that right now. Cinderella and Prince Charming aren't real and they certainly aren't you.

I won't claim to know much about living in happily ever after. I've broken my own heart in pursuit of The One and forever before. I don't have a checklist or it nearly all figured out, but I do know these things. The One has to be worth waking up to every morning and being excited to live another regular Wednesday with. Humor and laughter and play time are non-negotiable. (If I'm about to spend my life with you, we might as well enjoy it.) Authenticity and the genuine freedom to be ourselves around each other all the time is an absolute must. It's not going to work without natural chemistry, attraction, and a good vibe.

I'm flawed. And I mean Really. Flawed. But THE One, the thing that will set him above the rest, will continue to pick me, as I will pick him, every single day. Despite the flaws and mistakes and really rough stuff, I'll have a life partner - for good and for bad. And frankly, that sounds like a much better reason to spend forever together than some stupid glass shoe.