This post isn't about making sense of what's going on in the Big World or my own little world. This is about getting words on a page and offering up the woman I am today - the flawed, messy, sometimes sad but mostly happy, occasionally emotionally volatile, passionate, confused, confident, and purpose-seeking human being that sits on the other side of this screen. Because there aren't rules for this life, but I know it's worth living. And right now, I'm shooting for the best attempt at doing it unashamed.
So here we go. Welcome to crevices of this dusty, mixed-up soul.
I've found it's easy to relegate matters of the heart to the periphery. To take all the little things that make your heart beat and push them to the side or into a box, for safe-keeping and self-preservation. I've never been good at that. I'm a lover and a fighter and my heart rules my world. And despite being burned and broken, it keeps coming back for more.
You know that surge of passion? You know what I'm talking about. When you stumble upon a grand something that makes your heart ache and propels you into action and gives you the courage to do all the things you've wanted to do and puts a fire in you to stand in front of a crowd and profess your commitment to that thing or idea or person?
That. I feel that all the time. For people and ideas and movements and causes and sunsets and smiles and laughter and hope. And the battle between my heart and my head has never been more intense than now.
You see, my hearts pumps for people and desires to reveal the magic that sits within each one of us. I'm stumbling around scratching at something that I think is might be purpose and looks a lot like love. I see and read things every day that make me feel some kind of way and the fog surrounding the reason I'm on this planet in this moment is starting to lift but the path is still a mystery.
I respond as a willing servant to the beating organ in my chest, following through on the promptings to say and do whatever it calls for, and to go wherever it may beckon. I often feel a very real and somatic pressure on my lungs, creating a pressure that makes it hard to breathe until I do the thing my heart demands. I recognize how bizarre it is to nearly always follow your heart's promptings and what a strange, intense, whimsical way it is to live - with such dedication to an organ that so often brings us pain and hurt and sorrow when all we truly desire is to be known and loved.
Often, I wish I was different. That I wasn't such a slave to the promptings and that being combative or resistant to them didn't make matters worse. Raising my little fists toward the sky in rage, I've been banging down God's door demanding answers. What do you want from me? Why do you keep breaking my heart? Why did you create me to be THAT GIRL, the one with all the feelings and the depth of heart and the soul that longs to scratch more than surface of another? Every. Damn. Day.
Despite the very real heart swells that inevitably end in the valley of disappointment and loneliness (which always seem to bounce back with luster into another swell), I think the challenge of loving too much and feeling a sincere passion for the souls of the world is the best one to have. I don't have much of an answer for the direction of my life, much less how I'm going to navigate a world where we are taught to think with our heads and shut down our irrational and irresponsible hearts. However, I'm choosing to be the unconventional protagonist of my own tale and while its ambitious, I've got a plan.
A plan to risk more than is required to love as many people as I can with abandon despite knowing the fault lines of my heart will be rattled more than once. I choose to release mediocrity and embrace mastery. To be as kind and generous and genuine as possible and to express gratitude at all times. To find beauty in the oddities and imperfections. To learn more than is normal in order to scatter light and send darkness running. To question everything and to explore with a spirit of optimism. To inspire others to see their value and worth and to know they are enough. To be strong and confident and brave in order to be a warrior for those who need one. To use this life, the only one I've got, to be a force of love and compassion and hope.
And while my goals are zealous, I have no doubt, that if nothing else, they will lead to creating a life of something worth sharing. I've got a white-hot passion for many things this life offers, and living lukewarm is a non-option. So from here, I choose to take on the task of becoming myself, that girl with the wild untamed heart, and to hold back not a single thing. Because I believe when you stop fighting who you are and what you're made of, you get to become the person you're meant to be. And the becoming is the very best part.
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