It Doesn't Get Better

I've been wanting to write things down. To get it on the screen. But my brain has been jumbled and things don't come out right when you're in the midst of figuring out who you are and what your life means. You see, lately it's been rough. It's been really, really rough. And through the pain and the hurt and the frustration of it all I've come to know so much more about myself.

I'm realizing that not everything gets to be fixed. Hearts get broken and the brokenness never allows for all the pieces to settle back the way they were before. Mistakes happen and you hurt others and you hurt yourself and you learn to love yourself through the process and sometimes you're lucky enough to be forgiven by the others you've hurt along the way, too. This is the struggle of growing up and becoming who you really are. At some point you realize that you don't get the chance to mend everything and some things are better left shattered than a half-hearted attempted to paste it back together. 

I've been a little bit beat down lately and I think it's because life decided it's got a lesson to teach. And that's the thing about life - it demands to teach and it won't let up it til it does. If you're like me, you get your heart broken. You get pushed around for a while, shoves on all sides, and despite trying not to, you break down and cry. You might cry a lot about a lot of little things or just one big thing. You sit in your room and you let the tears stream down because you're tired of the pep talks and brushing yourself off only to trip and bloody your hands again. I've been mending wounds only to rub salt in them for a while now.  

But through the very real pain and honest, heart-wrenching, this-sucks-so-bad kind of hurt I'm starting to pick up what life is putting down. On those really crappy days where you doubt your self worth and why we're all in this place where we love one another only to hurt each other just to try and pull ourselves back together again - you end up digging way deep deep down to find the courage to keep on going. 

The mountain range of challenges that sit up on the horizon - they exist to show you the potential for all the things you ever wanted. Looking up at the peaks from the valley is scary. Your ankles shake in your boots and you think to yourself, "This is never going to happen for me."

But with the unconditional love of others and a spark that one day decides to settle in untamed, when you're ready to put one foot in front of the other again to begin the steep climb, when you start to believe that you might have a real shot at it - and I mean actually look in the mirror and see the fighter and the overcomer that you are - you get the chance to take the path less traveled. Find your fire and blaze the road to the story of your life and when you get on the rocky, narrow trail just keep going and don't look back. 

Don't waste your time longing for those who don't long for you. Don't fret about the things you will not and cannot change. Stop the self-shaming and the guilt trips and the fear of living a life of purpose with your name smacked right out front in brilliant Broadway lights.

"Don't worry, it gets better" is the biggest cop-out I've ever heard. Because it doesn't get better. It's the lie we've repeated for so long because it allows us to resign the ownership of our lives and fate over to the hands of the universe. I'm here to let you in on the secret and put the truth right in your pretty little lap: IT doesn't get  better. All the things that hold you back and bring you to the breaking point don't cease to exist and they don't magically get better. People will continue to hurt you. The ghosts and the fear and the doubt will creep in at night. The people you love the most will let you down. You don't get a hero to save you. Something much more magnificent happens. With the mess and the time and the sitting in the brokenness and sorrow of things you loved and lost you discover a strength and a will. It doesn't get better. 

You get better.

You learn that a half broken heart is still broken. That your once-best-friends are strangers now. That people lie and cheat and steal. That you will continue to make mistakes and create the messiest of messes. And you get to feel the searing pain of rejection and anger and sadness and everything else that brings you to your knees. That immense suffering demands to be felt. 

I feel it, too. I sat alone in the silence of my car last night with lights off and the quiet only found in apartment parking lots at 11pm and the voice of Christina Perri telling me that you're only human and you bleed when you fall down. The ache that you feel today, the utter pain and confusion and chaos, is all for a reason. The trials of today are here and they may be here to stay.

But that strength inside you will wake you up with anticipation of the peaks to climb because whether you want to or not everyday you get the chance to try - to try to do the best you can with what you've got again and again and again. I believe you hold an incredible power. There is braveness in those bones that harbors the soul within. You are the most special of humans and your story was made to be one of legend. This world is beating down your door with white noise and chaos to distract you from discovering the reason you exist in this moment in this place. It's in the overwhelming anxiety and the can't-do-it-ness that you've got to shut down and instead listen to that slow and steady rhythm of breath leaving your body and put a hand to your chest to feel the never-ceasing pulse of your heart working away. 

Do it now. 
Sit there. 
Listen. 
Feel it.

Hear that? Feel that? That's purpose. You, my brightest and dearest darling, are going to be ok. You are going to be more than ok. Because YOU get better. And stronger. And that little heart of yours will keep pumping purpose into those bones. I believe the fact that you are still in the world - broken and hurt and all - means there is plenty of good yet to come. 

Chin up, buttercup. Your mountains are calling.