Emotional Exposure

Full disclosure: this post is chock-full of raw soul-bearing. If you aren't ready for some authentic personal truth, now would be the time to stop reading.

Intimacy is my highest value. Knowing people, really knowing them well and deeply, sharing dreams, secrets, and stories are what make my world go round. The afternoons spent sitting in coffee shops, 4 hour Monday night phone conversations, and lounging on couches drinking wine and chatting into the night are what my dreams are made of. I crave time with people and their stories and their hearts and their dreams. I fill my life with hours of others, swapping pieces of them for pieces of me. 

This craving for others, as much as it is the foundation on which I build my life, also creates the cracks. It exacerbates any insecurity or frustration, enabling me to cast self-doubt into moments that should bring me happiness. My intense desire to give and receive affection can at times be nearly crippling. I long to be in constant communication with other humans. Text messages, phone calls, emails, Facebook posts... the works. When I get a surprise call from a friend, I can feel the corners of my mouth turn upward to a smile. I will ride the emotional high as long as possible when I get an unexpected text or receive a forwarded email with the first line, "I saw this and thought of you." But my highs are high and my lows are low. I am a slave to the emotion. When my phone is quiet for hours, the inbox remains empty, and my text message sits unreplied for days...I feel a heaviness. A weight and burden I wish I could put into words. I struggle to explain the somatic response to the intense emotional reaction, except to say I have a physically heavy heart. My chest feels a pressure that isn't lifted until another high comes rolling in, on the back of another meaningful human interaction. It's a vicious cycle, riding the affection roller coaster. 

Extreme extroverted-ness in combination with an affection-sucking and affection-pouring personality makes me intense and a little bit frightening. I lead with authenticity and an open, trusting heart. It pushes people away. I get that. I'm overwhelming, and loud, and pushy. I'm impatient and let my gut reactions guide my behavior. My reliance on others for validation and as a means of self-worth is not okay - I know that. So instead of changing myself, which I don't believe can or should be done, I choose to change perspective. Stop seeking validation, seek instead support. I am surrounded by outstanding individuals. Others who voluntarily choose to love, care, and listen to me simply because they want to. How dare I, or you, or anyone else, spend another moment doubting that we are enough? That we should evaluate our significance by a standard of words and actions of others? It is called self-worth for a reason; it can only be determined from within.

                 

This is where I begin. Moving one step forward, I choose to stop the chase for a sense of wholeness found in the affections received from others. The only love and care worth having is that freely given by another - no strings or obligations attached. I will not chase people. The time has come to release the feelings of inferiority, insecurity, and self-doubt. I have no gap that needs filled, for there are people knocking on my door willing to be a part of my story. Shutting down the tiny voice inside my head, I remind myself that I am worthy. Of love. Of belonging. Of understanding. I am enough.

What's next? I will continue to fill my life with the pieces of others. I will shower people with love and homemade meals. I will enjoy every moment of meaningful, personal-philosophy-discussing coffee dates. I will laugh into the phone until the wee hours of morning, and I will share my couch and full glasses of white wine with anyone who wants a friend. It's who I am. Lover of affection and connection. So come share your doubts and dreams, I've got ears that crave your stories.

Take it in.

I rush and spoil things. I move quickly for efficiency's sake and miss things. I am so enthusiastic about the big big picture, getting the ball rolling, that I overlook the small details.

Some of this is because I try to cram too much into my life. I'm a planner, I like to know what I'm doing every second of every day. And I like those days to be full. Full of people, plans, and events. Full of lunches and dinners and conversations. Then, on a dime, I go from enjoying the hustle and bustle to stressed out, strung out, and not enjoying much of anything. To avoid the stress I expect I make lists, lots and lots of lists. I attempt to organize everything, and everyone, neatly into the life I've structured for myself.

This stems from my desire to be everything for everyone. A best friend, confidante, and reliable partner. It's suffocating - the pressure I put on myself. The pressure mounts and I crack. There are tears and doubts of self-worth. Then I rely on others to pick up my pieces, make me feel worthwhile, and encourage me back to my feet. It's a destructive cycle.

You know what, though? Through the struggle and the aching of falling down so many times only to stand up once again, I've realized something. A great something. You can't structure your life. It's not your job. You can't put people into neat little boxes in your life and expect it all to work out just like you've imagined, in your little Barbie dreamworld. How do I know? Because I try. I always try.

And I fail.

Someone (or something) comes crashing in, wrecking my plans and changing my life. They literally rock my world. And suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, a new story line begins. Something fresh and raw and beautiful emerges from the rubble that was once my master plan. And it is always, always more wonderful than I could have ever planned for myself.

It's not healthy to live in such a fast-paced, stress-inducing environment. I'm learning the happiness that comes from staying in pajamas and watching television, of talking on the phone for hours because it's good for your soul, and for sitting alone with God.

I'm relinquishing my chains, handing over the doubts and worries that I let keep me down. What's meant to be will be, and what's not... won't. Instead of trying to control every element of my life, I choose to loosen the reigns. 

Especially during the holiday season, now more than ever, it's time to let go of the plans and the stress and the unnecessary struggle. I choose to enjoy the twinkling lights, the warmth of my mittens and the love I receive from those who surround me. It's time to take in the little things. I'm not supposed to be running the show anyway.

You were built for more.

You were built for more.

I can't imagine that we were all put here for the single purpose of serving ourselves. There are 7 billion other souls roaming the earth, and often times I'm more focused on my chipped nail polish than the fact that we are moving around the world in orbit of each other, never actually getting to know or investing in anyone.

When was the last time you asked someone a genuine and honest question about them, something that would open up a little piece of who they are so that you may understand them just a little better? When was the last time you put yourself out there, shared a bit of your passion with another human being merely to connect?

To me, it's vital to put my energy into things bigger than myself. Even if it's just a little change, a slight alteration in my daily habit or attitude, I believe it's possible to alter the flow of time and space surrounding you, creating a butterfly effect that might just reach someone you'll never even meet. Some days that means being extra nice to a difficult person, saying thank you to the cashier and the kind person who held the door open, and expressing honest gratitude to those who are making sacrifices for me. Other days that means volunteering to be somewhere early so someone else doesn't have to. And even more, it can mean engaging with someone who looks distressed in line or actually doing service that will directly help improve the lives of others.

We were made for something more than just aimlessly wandering through space in our bodies, the shells that hold our souls. We were made, and I believe obligated, to leave things better than we found them.

Why do we prefer to stay glued to the screens of phones and sit with our headphones in than have a meaningful conversation with the real, live, human being sitting next to us? Take a moment and think about your life - the complicated ins and outs, the relationships you have and the preferences you have for television shows, movies, and significant others. That person next to you has a favorite food, a history of love and heart break, lessons learned, and pockets full of experiences. But we are never, ever going to know that unless we open up and start to engage with those who around us. Why is that so difficult?

Because connection requires vulnerability.

You must say or do something that has a consequence of which you are not aware. It's okay to be scared, I am every time I put myself out there, which is quite frequently. It's not that I lack fear, but I have the knowledge that the risk is worth it. Brene Brown calls us the "whole hearted." We make the first move, we tell jokes to strangers, we put our necks out there for humiliation, and we say "I love you" first.

When I love, I love hard. With me, it's either all or nothing, I can't half ass a relationship or pretend that I only sometimes care. That gets me into trouble, often times because my expectations are more than others are willing to give. And that's fine, being whole hearted means you can get burned or left behind, often I have been rejected. I know that I can be overwhelming. I just want to give you pieces of myself. But you know what? My emotions are intense and they are true. My heart has been broken, and I've put my faith in others perhaps more than I should have. My lows may be lower than if I guarded myself more, but the highs...they are unmatched. My joy is complete and without reservation. When my heart is full, it is heavy. Not with a tinge of sadness, but with an overflowing weight of love and wholeness. The highs soar above everything else in a manner that's impossible if you don't open yourself up to the full range of possibility. 

Go talk to a stranger, or an acquaintance. Good grief, call up your best friend. Ask them to share a deep truth, to tell you about the time they felt the most sadness, but also when they felt the most joy. Find out what you mom's favorite color is, and what your sister's most memorable birthday gift ever was. Ask your grandfather what he was like as a teenager. And share yourself. Let someone in. Be vulnerable. Connect your soul with another, for there are few things quite so wonderful as the moment when you think to yourself, "Where have you been, all this time?". And sometimes the answer is, "Right here." The best potential for true, meaningful connection is often hiding in plain sight, if only we'd take the time to uncover it.

So give me the whole hearted, the occasionally broken and mangled, and I'll show you something beautiful.

Anything But Ordinary.

During the orientation for my graduate school program, one of the presenters mentioned "normal" in terms of data. What is normal? Normal is the absence of outliers. Normal is a point on a graph that hangs with all the rest. She said to us, "normal just means average." Have you ever thought of that before? If you have, kudos for thinking critically. However, if you're like me, you may have never thought of normal in terms of a negative. 

I think on some level we all strive to be normal, to just blend into the crowd, to go along living life unnoticed. The concept of "normal" is something I especially have struggled with. I've always wanted to be normal, who doesn't? We all shy away from being labeled different, strange, and odd. But for some reason I have also been unsettled with normal, perhaps because I realize it's something I'm not. I like jamming to Ke$ha like it's going out of style. I like drinking green smoothies everyday for breakfast. I am intense and ask nosy, prodding, deep questions the first time I meet someone. My sneezes and laughs are louder than most. There are few things in the world I am more passionate about than access to educational opportunities and Ohio State football. I consist entirely of abnormalities, and this is something I am coming to terms with.   

When looking up the word normal in a dictionary, one finds that common synonyms are regular, usual, unexceptional, commonplace, run-of-the-mill and ordinary. This specific idea has been a topic of conversation recently with a few friends. I don't want to use my time to live an ordinary life where I do ordinary things. The last thing I want to be is regular and to live unexceptionally. However self-serving it may sound, I mean it genuinely. I believe in The Plan. I believe in purpose. I believe that you and I are meant for more than average. I want to use the time and skills and weird quirks that I have to push boundaries, to make connections, to truly make the world a better place, and to do more than has been done before. I choose not to fear the abnormal, because it makes us uniquely capable to do what others cannot, or more often, will not. We all have dreams and hopes and passions, and it's in taking that leap, the push, the challenge, to step up and stand out, to be more that takes a regular life and turns into something extraordinary. That's what takes guts. I am firmly bound to the idea that there's more out there for each of us than merely existing. We were created to be more than ordinary. 

So embrace the you-ness that makes you weird and defines you as different, for it's those qualities that makes you most valuable. I hope you'll join me in embracing being uncommon and unusual by attempting to live as anything but ordinary.

Life Lessons: What I've Learned Thus Far.

Recently I've struggled to have enough coherent thought for a complete blogpost. Between finishing my last tour as a University Ambassador, moving out of my apartment and in with my parents, saying "see you soon" (my more optimistic version of goodbye) to too many friends, and helping my soulmate/roomie/best friend move to Louisville, my emotions have resembled a roller coaster and my thoughts have been more than disorganized. However chaotic it has been, though, I've learned a lot about myself and the wonderful people I've had the pleasure of surrounding myself with. It's difficult to put into words what I've learned from these experiences, but thankfully I don't have to, as it's already been done. During my move I pulled a few sheets of paper out from behind my bookcase and discovered the following poem printed on them. I laugh at the irony, finding the perfect poem about life lessons as I reach such a turning point in my own life. Veronica A. Shoffstall poetically puts into words the lessons I've learned and the emotions I've been feeling over the past few weeks much better than I ever could. Enjoy.

After a while you learn...

Veronica A. Shoffstall, 1971.

After some time you learn the difference, 

The subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning,

And company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts,

And presents aren't promises.

And you begin to accept your defeats,

With your head up and your eyes ahead,

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today,

Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans, 

And futures have a way of falling down mid-flight.

After a while you learn,

That even the sun burns if you get too much,

And learn that it doesn't matter how much you do care about, 

Some people simply don't care at all.

And you accept that it doesn't matter how good a person is,

She will hurt you once in a while,

And you need to forgive her for that.

You learn that talking can relieve emotional pain.

You discover that it takes several years to build a relationship based on confidence,

And just a few seconds to destroy it.

And that you can do something just in an instant,

And which you will regret for the rest of your life.

You learn that the true friendships,

Continue to grow even from miles away.

And that what matters isn't what you have in your life,

But who you have in your life.

And that good friends are the family,

Which allows us to choose.

You learn that we don't have to switch our friends,

If we understand that friends can also change.

You realize that you are your best friend,

And that you can do anything, or nothing,

And have good moments together.

You discover that the people you most care about in your life,

Are taken from you so quickly,

So we must always leave the people we care about with lovely words,

It may be the last time we see them.

You learn that the circumstances and the environment have influence upon us,

But we are responsible for ourselves.

You start to learn that you should not compare yourself with others,

But with the best you can be.

You discover that it takes a long time to become to the person you wish to be,

And that the time is short.

You learn that it doesn't matter where you have reached,

But where you are going.

But if you don't know where you are going,

Anywhere will do.

You learn that either you control your acts,

Or they shall control you.

And that to be flexible doesn't mean to be weak or not to have personality,

Because it doesn't matter how delicate and fragile the situation is,

There are always two sides.

You learn that heroes are those are those who did what was necessary to be done,

Facing the consequences.

You learn that patience demands a lot of practice.

You discover that sometimes,

The person you most expect to be kicked by when you fall,

Is one of the few who will help you to stand up.

You learn that maturity has more to do with the kinds of experiences you have,

And what you learned from them,

Than how many birthdays you've celebrated.

You learn that there are more of your parents inside you than you thought.

You learn that we should never tell a child her dreams are silly,

Very few things are so humiliating,

And it would be a tragedy if she believed in it.

You learn that when you are angry,

You have the right to be angry,

But this doesn't give you the right to be cruel.

You discover that only because someone doesn't love you the way you would like her to,

It doesn't mean that this person doesn't love you the most she can,

Because there are people who love us,

But just don't know how to show or live that. 

You learn that sometimes it isn't enough to be forgiven by someone,

Sometimes you have to learn how to forgive yourself.

You learn that with the same harshness you judge,

Someday you will be condemned.

You learn that it doesn't matter in how many pieces your heart has been broken,

The world doesn't stop for you to fix it.

You learn that time isn't something you can turn back,

Therefore you must plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,

Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure.

You really are strong.

And you can go farther than you thought you could go.

And that life really has a value.

And you have value within the life.

And that our gifts are betrayers,

And make us lose

The good we would conquer,

If it wasn't for the fear of trying.

Live the Adventure

I like to wake up everyday and know exactly what I'm doing, with whom, and at what time. To-Do Lists and written out goals prevent my blood pressure from rising, and having an organized schedule each day keeps me calm. You know what that makes for? A boring day. This summer I found that the best days are those with surprise introductions, casual run-ins and unexpected fun. I'm a planner to my core, but if you read my previous blog post, Serendipitous Spontaneity, then you know I'm trying to chill out. I am a creature of habit, that I am certain, but there's something refreshing about the unexpected, the changes in plans, and the adventure of a new day. As I said before, it's been truly serendipitous letting go of the reins and living the adventure. 

However, plans are not exclusive to the short term. As a 20-something recent college grad there's an inherent stress that sets in. What am I going to do now? 5 years from now? 10 years from now? If you fall into the same category, you know that unsettling anxiety that pops up every time someone asks, "So what are you plans for the future?", "What's next?", or, my personal favorite, "What's your life plan?" Newsflash: I no longer keep a Life Plan. I've had about 30, and each dissolved long ago for something better to take place. 

During our 9-hour roadtrip to NYC, a podcast about life plans played. The narrator highlighted the fact that most people aren't on Life Plan A anymore. Plan B is gone, too. Most people are living Plan F or later. And that's okay. Sometimes we get so caught up in forcing Plan A to work, that we lose sight of the amazing path that may lead elsewhere. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to be a passive participant in my life, just letting things fall by the wayside in hopes that it all brings itself together someday. That's no good. But what I will do is follow wherever the path may lead, even if that means taking a route I didn't even know existed. My life is so different today from when the year began, and as a result I am more content and joyful than ever. Everything has fallen into place in its own perfect time, better than I could have ever laid out myself. I can only imagine (but I won't try to plan!) where I'll be in two years. 

Each time my intricately detailed plans derail or awry, I will refuse to see it as a failure. Instead, I know it's my life autocorrecting and God telling me "I have something better in store."  This new attitude has enabled me to become more flexible and more open to the adventure of each day, and to the rest of my life, whatever it may bring. I like waking up and wondering what today has in store. Why? Because whether I attempt to plan every minute of the day, I'm going to end up at Plan F anyway. I might as well lose the stress, be open to opportunity, and enjoy the ride. 

Serendipitous Spontaneity

It's true. I know that I'm a planner and I like to be in control. I let my inner coil tightly wind itself til the tension is too much to stand. I find an inner calm in a good outline. I know these things about myself. If we talk frequently, and I guess even if we don't, you might know that I'm in a stage of life in flux. I'm straddling the border of "who I was" and "who I want to be." And right in there is a little sweet spot, one I've just discovered called "who I am." This is a new place for me settle in, and I'm liking what I've found thus far.

In recent months I've decided to live a little. To meet new people and go new places. Try new things I just wouldn't have entertained before. It's been great, but I still have plenty of room for growth. Thankfully, I'm surrounded by quality friends who are much more spontaneous than I, and are willing to show me the ropes to living a life with more adventure. Late night movies, popcorn, scrambled eggs and lack of sleep characterized the beginnings of my efforts at transformation, and I'm thankful for the slight shoves outside my comfort zone. Not every decision I've made on the fly has been my best or brightest, and I've tripped and scraped my knees a couple times for sure. But there's a beauty in that. I've learned a lot from those moments, finding key pieces of myself I wouldn't have otherwise discovered without those mini mishaps. 

This weekend I took my personal task to a new level. I ventured to a new city with an old pal and a new friend with not an item on the agenda. I would be lying if I said that in the days leading up to my little escapade I didn't have an inner struggle letting go of the reins, and walking out without a concrete plan. If I really want to spark a change, I need to not only counteract my feelings of uptightness and anxiety, I need to squash them. It was time to be a guinea pig and take a leap of faith. My own personal experiment was to enjoy the weekend with full willingness to accept wherever the road may take us. I was not going to pick an activity, location, or destination. I would become a "yes" woman. Want to get lunch here? Sure. Lets go look at this gallery. Okay. Want to check this out tonight? Sounds great.

And you wouldn't believe it. I had a great time. I may have come off as lazy, (if so, I'm sorry!) not offering suggestions or making many decisions, but I had accepted my challenge. It was serendipitous, living in the moment. Enjoying myself right now, in this place, with this person because there's no master plan. We don't have to be anywhere by any time. It's liberating and fulfilling because as a friend once said to me "just do what feels right." So I did, and I'm determined to do more of it. The days and nights where the unexpected happened, where you let your guard down and decide to have a little fun, and you choose to pay attention to your emotion, to just do what feels right and to be driven by what you want right then, those are the vivid memories and life-changing experiences that you deny yourself when too concerned with control.

Tomorrow I'm journeying home to the Buckeye State, planning a month of adventures for my last few weeks of complete freedom with friends, new and old. I'll soon be off to NYC and Chicago, and am bursting with excitement for the surprises that await us. And you know what the first item of that agenda is? To be spontaneous. Now that's a plan I think I can stick to.