Know thyself.

"You realize that you are your best friend,

and that you can do anything, or nothing, 

And have good moments together."

(Veronica A. Shoftstall, 1971)

These lines come from one of my favorite poems, which I previously posted in its entirety here. These particular lines have been jumping off the page recently, walking right out into the open and playing themselves out in my life like a smack in the face. 

I'm currently living in Austin, Texas for the blink of an eye that we call summertime. And while I was so consumed with visiting friends and sharing stories and enjoying the brief moment I had in Columbus, I didn't stop for a single moment to consider what I would do without the comfort of friends and welcome distractions - that once I arrived at my destination, I would know not one person. Not a single familiar face. So with big eyes and a spirit of adventure, I set off on an exciting journey - brimming with idealism and anticipation for wide open spaces. And while I have enjoyed the autonomy and novelty of an unfamiliar place, I also underestimated the silence of anonymity.

It's no secret that I long to be with others - sipping tea, watching movies, and sharing deep thoughts, passions, and secrets over cheap wine. I define myself by the connections I build with others - the intense pursuit to satiate my extrovertedness by knowing and loving on people. I take such joy and purpose in talking to others, being authentic and real and baring souls. 

I, too, am fiercely independent, a trait I've never been able to conceal. But being alone, in solitude ... just me, and my little heart, and a brain that won't stop churning for fear of missing something while simultaneously overthinking every. little. thing. ... I've chosen to shy away from all of that. I rely, instead, on others to build me up and fill me up while I do the same for them. The intimate relationships I've intentionally created and tended to with others I have not created within myself. All the energy I pour into others has left little time to cultivate and embrace the single soul I will never be parted from - my own.

The past year, or really slightly more at this point, was a time of intense change and transition, and I have the growing pains and stretchmarks to prove it. One of the best lessons I learned, though, through the long nights and the tears and moments of doubt, is that I am completely capable of standing on my own two feet. I've screwed up. I've fallen down. I've scraped my knees and bloodied my hands. But those moments, the lessons in pain and heartache and being alone ... were and continue to be the best thing for me. Understanding of the self cannot occur when you're entertaining others' voices.

But being alone is not equivalent to being lonely. The time alone, the experiences of independence and self-reliance, occurs when we grant ourselves the opportunity to intimately know the reflection in mirror. To realize what we're made of. To understand that being still is just as important as hurling ourselves into the next big thing. We must set aside time be with quiet. To listen to the repetitive heave and ho of our own breath and to feel that little heart inside each of us, quietly pumping a consistent and reliable soft thud - a silent reminder of the strength and value and worth present in each of us if we merely take the time to recognize it.

I've relied on others for so long, for so many things - to make me feel worthy and validated and loved. But I realize now that I do not need others to make me feel whole. We are created as individual beings for a reason. Coupling off, finding a sense of belonging with others is natural. But we are built one at a time and we come into the world (most often) by ourselves. Yes, you were made whole without a need for intervention.

I pray you see the amazing work your hands do and the way your simple presence changes lives. I also hope you can recognize that for yourself in the moments of solitude. That you can look in the mirror and see the life and grace and joy that's there. That in the peace and the still you can revel in your own truths, discovering and clinging to the essential you-ness that exists. Because you are good and kind and worthy and whole and significant. And darling, I've learned the hard way, no one's gonna get you to believe those things except yourself.

It's a difficult journey, one I'm still traveling, as we've been trained to seek validation and self-worth from others. There will be stages in your life when you are alone and your self-reliance is what's got to get you through. Which is why I so desperately believe we must grapple with ourselves and cling to the person within. To spend time with your pretty little self to figure out who you are, what you want, and to stop running from the image in the mirror. For it is not until we are able to see our own brightness, our own significance and value and contributions - to love ourselves the way we love others - that we can truly enjoy the companionship of our our loved ones without depending on them to validate our existence or using them as a means of escape.