She and her husband were surrounded by friends from near and far on their wedding day, as many are. But what stood out to me was the significant presence of their friends from home - the hometown high school crew who turned out in droves to support their marriage and reaffirm a commitment to friendship. There I was, standing next to her on her wedding day as she vowed her life to another, a place I once thought I would stand for so many others. And it smacked me, as these things often do, and I realized that my life is different. And my people are different.
And that things just sometimes change.
My guy friends and gal pals from high school are truly gems - beautiful people with beautiful souls and I can't look back on those days without crediting them with so much of my happiness during those few short years. The best memories from those times are with people whose relationships didn't last the post-graduation frenzy. It's a strange phenomenon to lose the people who once helped you define what life was - back when it was Friday night football games, AP Biology tests, and prom dates. As the little train of life chugs on, we often lose the people who were once so very important to us and in doing so we lose a little part of ourselves, too. A part that once was made of pieces of them.
Back then, we made plans. With friendship bracelets and pinky promises to all be bridesmaids in each others' weddings... you just think you're going to be friends forever because how could life be any different? Those friends were all I'd ever known. You start to see how life happens and time happens and friendships slowly dissipate to nothingness because you move out and you move away and you move on. Sometimes you let it fall apart because of a silly fight or (likely more often) you both just stop putting in the effort because you're surrounded with the love and support of new and wonderful people. Sometimes nothing is broken, but you just drift apart. You check the "irreconcilable difference" box on the friendship-break-up sheet and you pack your stuff and you don't look back.
I don't think about it much. But more and more big life moments are happening in the lives of people I once-upon-a-time thought I could never live without. Engagements and marriages to people I've never met. Babies and cross-country moves. Thanks to a little creation called Facebook, I can actually watch you living a life without me in it. And I'm happy for you, I am so very very happy for you. But it's in these moments when I wonder what it would be like if we were celebrating together, as we had always planned. As opposed to reducing what we once held dear to liking a Facebook update or (if you're extra lucky) sending a quick text message. But then I get back to the everyday grind and hop on that little train taking me in the direction of my life.
To my once-friends, - those forever-in-my-heart people - this is to you. And the season of life we lived out together. And the future you've built for yourself. I'm sorry I wasn't there for the big stuff. I'm sorry I don't know your fiancé and his family or what your ring looks like in person. I'm sorry I don't know your baby's name and I'm sorry I didn't pick up the phone to call you and say congratulations. I'm sorry we both let the friendship we had just drift away. And since I'm likely to keep missing out, this message is for you - especially a girl I once knew who is now a woman - my once-best-friend-turned-stranger:
So much is happening, the future is exciting and big things are rumbling. I'm happy and I hope you are, too. I hope you meet the partner of your dreams (if that's what you want) and that you are living the life you imagined for yourself. I hope you find a way to absorb the joy in every day - with a career, with a family, with a dog, or with the mere sunshine on your face and the beauty that comes from being alive and well. I hope you are well, but we both know I have no idea how you are.
I'm thankful for the time we shared. For the sleepovers and midnight phone calls. For the skinny dipping. For the hours of laughter and Dateline on Friday nights. For the after-prom parties and frozen pizzas. For introducing me to wonderful people and to awful people. For standing up to the Mean Girls when they picked on me. For taking the blame when I spilled red nail polish in Mom's new van on the 4th of July. For the dorm room dance parties. For not getting mad when I locked us out of your house in the rain. For being one of the five phone numbers I had memorized in middle school. For being my brother's confirmation sponsor. For bringing me chocolate when I was broken up with. For cutting up his t-shirt in the name of revenge. For learning to drive together. For being in the car when I backed up into a stop sign. For the Target runs. For the combined birthday parties at Joe's Crab Shack. For the birthday cupcakes from Schuler's and the handwritten cards. For the friendship love letters.
So much of who I am is because of you.
I thought we were the life-long-forever kind of friends. We had plans to sit on front porches in rocking chairs and adopt all the dogs in the world who need love. We planned Maid-of-Honor speeches and imaginary bachelorette parties. We ran around our little town with the windows down and the music turned up because I didn't have air and you didn't care. We lived a good life, you and I. I would do it all again. Thank you for being you in all the little moments and especially in the big ones.
You knew me better than anyone, and I will never ever forget you. It would be the impossible task of forgetting part of myself.
I'm sorry if I wasn't as supportive as I should have been. I'm sorry something got in the way of whatever we had. I'm sorry I just didn't get who you wanted to become and that I have no idea who you are today. I wish you the best - in your career, in your personal life, and in whatever is important to you these days. I hope you have a life filled with everything you dream of. A long long time ago you planted a spark in me, a spark of independence and the determination to do whatever the hell you want. Thank you for that - for being the first to push me out of my comfort zone and into the world.
I will always carry a little bit of sadness that somewhere along the way we lost each other. We let life hurl us in different directions and we don't share a single thing anymore. And I doubt you'll ever read this, but if you someday stumble upon it please know that I wish you happiness. I wish you love. I wish you the kind of friendship we always wanted but didn't have - the kind that lasts a lifetime. And though we will likely never see one another again, I will forever be thankful for the girl that you were and I will always love her.
xo,
S.
I'm thankful for the time we shared. For the sleepovers and midnight phone calls. For the skinny dipping. For the hours of laughter and Dateline on Friday nights. For the after-prom parties and frozen pizzas. For introducing me to wonderful people and to awful people. For standing up to the Mean Girls when they picked on me. For taking the blame when I spilled red nail polish in Mom's new van on the 4th of July. For the dorm room dance parties. For not getting mad when I locked us out of your house in the rain. For being one of the five phone numbers I had memorized in middle school. For being my brother's confirmation sponsor. For bringing me chocolate when I was broken up with. For cutting up his t-shirt in the name of revenge. For learning to drive together. For being in the car when I backed up into a stop sign. For the Target runs. For the combined birthday parties at Joe's Crab Shack. For the birthday cupcakes from Schuler's and the handwritten cards. For the friendship love letters.
So much of who I am is because of you.
I thought we were the life-long-forever kind of friends. We had plans to sit on front porches in rocking chairs and adopt all the dogs in the world who need love. We planned Maid-of-Honor speeches and imaginary bachelorette parties. We ran around our little town with the windows down and the music turned up because I didn't have air and you didn't care. We lived a good life, you and I. I would do it all again. Thank you for being you in all the little moments and especially in the big ones.
You knew me better than anyone, and I will never ever forget you. It would be the impossible task of forgetting part of myself.
I'm sorry if I wasn't as supportive as I should have been. I'm sorry something got in the way of whatever we had. I'm sorry I just didn't get who you wanted to become and that I have no idea who you are today. I wish you the best - in your career, in your personal life, and in whatever is important to you these days. I hope you have a life filled with everything you dream of. A long long time ago you planted a spark in me, a spark of independence and the determination to do whatever the hell you want. Thank you for that - for being the first to push me out of my comfort zone and into the world.
I will always carry a little bit of sadness that somewhere along the way we lost each other. We let life hurl us in different directions and we don't share a single thing anymore. And I doubt you'll ever read this, but if you someday stumble upon it please know that I wish you happiness. I wish you love. I wish you the kind of friendship we always wanted but didn't have - the kind that lasts a lifetime. And though we will likely never see one another again, I will forever be thankful for the girl that you were and I will always love her.
xo,
S.
Everyone can relate to this, great blog Sara. Hope everything is well, lottie dottie
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